Wrong Motive

Yesterday at church was one of those amazing days where you know God is talking directly to you...you who are so small in the world, but yet someone who He cares deeply about. I don't have any major problems...Reese is healthy and wonderful, Chris and I are really happy, my family lives close and I get to be a part of their everyday lives. Yet I still get consumed with my "problems" or I should say desires if you have read this blog you know I desire to have another baby. I have been trying for 2 1/2 years now. Recently my doctor told me that if I wasn't pregnant by March we would do more testing and to see if there was something else going on that we have missed. For some insane reason this really upset me. I became very frustrated...how can something else be wrong with my body...why don't I get to have more than one child...how come she is pregnant...PITY PARTY! Thankfully my husband and sister snapped me out of these lies Satan was feeding me. I have really been trying to not think about wanting another baby...my doctor told me that I was way too stressed and I might as well be taking birth control. Man that is so much easier said than done. If you have ever tried for years to have a baby I know you can empathize with me, and understand how consuming it can become.


Sunday December 27, 2009

I get up and head to church, just like any other Sunday morning. Get to see a sweet young lady who is pregnant and hate myself for being so jealous of her. I feel the same pattern repeating. I drop Reese of in his class and head to my class. Our current teacher, Tim Gandy, is currently giving us "Kingdom exercises" he poses a question or problem and we all figure out what the Kingdom would do. We were in Luke 12 - we begin by reading verses 1-12 where Jesus is frustrated with the Pharisees and talking to both his disciples and the crowd. The first way God began to speak to me came from Luke 12: 3 - "what you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight..." here Jesus was speaking to his disciples about hypocrisy - but it really jumped out at me...God hears me- nothing I say or think goes unseen. God began showing me the hypocrite I was becoming...I tell everyone I trust Him, in His time He will give us a baby, if it is His will, etc. Yet, I cry myself to sleep some nights, I'm completely consumed by not having a baby...by how much I want one, and how my prayers aren't heard. As I am trying to focus on what the small group is discussing, along comes verses 6-7 "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." I have heard these verses a thousands times, but never before I have felt like God was talking directly to me, telling me I was worthy in His eyes. He was gently picking my heart up from the ground. Then we got to the question of our exercise in verses 13-14, "Someone in the crowd said to him, 'teacher, tell my brother to divided the inheritance with me.' Jesus replied, ‘man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?'" Why would Jesus reply to someone in this manner? Doesn't He tell us to ask Him anything? As we were discussing we came to the conclusion that based on the context of what was happening and verse 15 that followed Jesus’ reply, " Then he said to them[speaking to the crowd now] 'watch out! Been on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." The man you asked Jesus about his inheritance had the wrong motive - he was asking with only his desires in mind, he was asking with the intent of Jesus saying exactly what he wanted to hear. We even assumed his brother was probably there with him. The man didn't get it, he didn't understand everything Jesus had been saying - he was just waiting, focusing on his own need, for the right time to blurt out and get what he wanted. God doesn't want us to come to Him with the wrong motive. Here God was just slapping me right in the face with His word..."Stacy - wake up - this whole baby thing is not about you! This baby thing is about my will - I have a plan for you - you say you trust that, yet you continue to want to be in control - when will you truly give it up and let me take control?" I swear He might as well have been audible in this moment. I’m sure the other people in the room good feel Him and hear Him it was so apparent. I began repenting that moment.
Then I go to 'big church' the message is entitle "New Beginnings" very typical sermon title for the New Year, I had no idea God was not through with me! He had more for me to hear. We were in Ephesians 4: 17-24 - "...to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires[does this not describe exactly what I have been doing?]; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness." So why do we fail so often? Our pastor, Matt Parker, gave this question? We all say we are going to begin new but yet we fail time and time again. "For nothing good live in me, that is in my flesh. For I want to do well, but cannot do it." Romans 7:18 "We fell because we are trying on our own power - if we do things in the flesh we are enemies of God." - Matt Parker "the outlook of the flesh is hostile to God...those who are in the flesh cannot please God." Romans 8: 7-8 Matt further challenged us to renew our minds, "...do not be conformed, but transformed...renew your mind...what is good and well pleasing." Romans 12: 1-2

God was truly speaking to me, in order for me to truly give this up to Him it had to start in my mind. I had to focus on Him and His word and transform my thoughts from those desires to Him. My mother gave me a book, 100 Verses Every Mom Needs to Know, for Christmas. I am trying to focus on one verse every few days and really memorize it. My verse right now is, Psalms 118:24 "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." How many times have we heard this verse, sang this verse, etc.? However, again on this Sunday this verse was really speaking to me. I need to focus on one day at a time, stop worrying about the future and focus on the day that I have been given and rejoice in the blessings that are around me.
So why I am sharing so much with you today? I am hoping that by getting all of this out - that my mind will begin to transform, that someone will read this and begin to pray for me - not just for a baby, but pray for me to trust the will of the Lord!
I hope that all of you can rejoice in the day the Lord has made for you!